Daily
Reflections reading March 9th
Surrendering Self-will
Made
a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we
understood Him. TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 34
No matter
how much one wishes to try, exactly how can one turn his own will and his own
life over to the care of whatever God he thinks there is? In my search for the
answer to this question, I became aware of the wisdom with which it was
written: that this is a two-part Step. I could see many times where I should
have died, or at least been injured, during my previous style of living, and it
never happened. Someone, or something, was looking after me. I choose to
believe my life has always been in God’s care. He alone controls the number of
days I will be granted until physical death. The matter of will (self-will or
God’s will) is the more difficult part of the Step for me. It is only when I
have experienced enough emotional pain, through failed attempts to fix myself,
that I become willing to surrender to God’s will for my life. Surrender is like
the calm after the storm. When my will is in line with God’s will for me, there
is peace within.
© Alcoholics Anonymous World Services
My thoughts on March 9th Reading
Step one is but the very beginning of recovery of a three
fold disease, all the other steps are useless if I do not surrender and ACCEPT
step one, I admitted I was an alcoholic some 15 years before I knew what that
really was, so I guess admitting I was an alkie
Was just not the same as admitting I was powerless, if I
wanted to stop I would have to admit that powerlessness, I would also have to accept
I can't drink in safety ever again, what a relief for me to finally accept
When I finally accepted my powerlessness, I also admitted my
life had became unmanageable this in no way was complete defeat of my whole
life, it meant I had let alcohol rule my life alcohol had me defeated the
program gave me hope
It was acceptance of my disease that freed me, that did mean
I had to admit I was powerless in order to accept I had a disease in the first place,
working step one was the first step to my liberation and I needed to work on
the rest of the steps
To admit complete defeat, was surrendering my self-will, the
only way I could surrender to my disease
Fought like hell not to admit, I was completely powerless,
alcohol robbed me of that power bankrupt, void of any real feelings except for,
anger, hopelessness, despair, and fear
Absolutely humiliated, totally defeated, I had no other
choice but to accept and surrender to self-will running riot in my life, until
I could get up enough strength to become humble enough to ask for help
This hopelessness could never have left me, I just could not
do this alone, and I needed help
The Big Book does not mention SPONSOR, but it sure implies
we needed guidance of someone more powerful than ourselves God, Group Of
Drunks, Gift Of Desperation, Good Orderly Direction, a good friend, any one or
anything was more powerful that self will
I was the victim of a mental obsession so powerful, will
power alone was not enough I was told if you think will power is so great, it
alone will work try it on Diarrhea and let me know how it works, the alcohol sure
did wielded a double-edged sword over me
It sure was real insanity that condemned me to go on
drinking, to destroy myself in the process I just know I could not do this on
my own resources alone, I needed to accept help
I had to get hold of all the AA steps and principles,
because I was hopelessly lost without them, well the time did come for me to
change all attitudes and actions towards others and myself I knew I had to
become rigorously honest about my disease and surrender completely
I finally become as open-minded and willing to listen as the
dying can be recovery for me started that day I totally surrendered to
alcoholism that was on Feb. 6, 1974 I have not found it necessary to pick up
another drink thanks to God my sponsor and this fantastic fellowship
God bless you Al M
