Daily
Reflections reading November 19th
I Was Slipping Fast
We
A.A.’s are active folk, enjoying the satisfactions of dealing with the
realities of life, . . . . So it isn’t surprising that we often tend to slight serious
meditation and prayer as something not really necessary. TWELVE STEPS AND
TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 96
I
had been slipping away from the program for some time, but it took a death
threat from a terminal disease to bring me back, and particularly to the
practice of the Eleventh Step of our blessed Fellowship. Although I had fifteen
years of sobriety and was still very active in the program, I knew that the
quality of my sobriety had slipped badly. Eighteen months later, a checkup
revealed a malignant tumor and a prognosis of certain death within six months.
Despair settled in when I enrolled in a rehab program, after which I suffered
two small strokes which revealed two large brain tumors. As I kept hitting new
bottoms I had to ask myself why this was happening to me. God allowed me to
recognize my dishonesty and to become teachable again. Miracles began to
happen. But primarily I relearned the whole meaning of the Eleventh Step. My
physical condition has improved dramatically, but my illness is minor compared
to what I almost lost completely
© Alcoholics Anonymous World Services
My
thoughts on November19th Reading.
My self-esteem is the up’s and downs of my life, moving
along sometimes good, sometimes not so good, my own self-esteem over the years
has shown a definite upward swing, but it still spirals down occasionally, all
of us suffer from low self-esteem at some time
I go through periods
when I feel damn life sucks, just feel crappy about myself, I had to remember
raising self-esteem is a gradual process, I was told to do
something special for myself when I was
feeling worthless I started to slip into my old ways
I rejected things that could helped me feel better, like
talking to someone, feeling low about myself is
hard enough without isolating, I needed support like talking
over my feelings with my sponsor I had
to take a look at self-esteem, take daily inventory of thing
I enjoy
Sure I was slipping fast into oblivion, there was a time in
my recovery that I saw nothing left to go to
meetings for, my life was going good, I had some years of sobriety,
I was getting bored with going to meetings hearing the same thing over and over
Watching the same people coming in and going out like ping pong
balls, I sure did complained a lot about everything and everyone, how they were
just staying in their disease, never changing anything to help themselves like
at this time I was perfect
I started to cut back on many of my meetings, you know got
busy with life, I had less time to go to
meetings every week, well I did soon stop going all together
and my attitude and character defects
started to return to how I was before I stopped
drinking
I was a raving manic again that’s when I started to return
to my meetings, but this time I became more active in service work, I was
reaching out to help others who were having the same hard time I did, when I
came thru the doors, sure made a difference
My sponsor said what you tried in the past hasn't worked, do
something different, take a risk build up your self-esteem, we grow through
facing our fears, take care of your body, you used alcohol to
avoiding emotional pain
Using alcohol kept me from feeling I struggled with the
self-worth issue, but also with all the other
drinking problems, I have caused in the midst of my past
turning to alcohol was just an excuse to
cover up all my feelings yes I was slipping fast into old
habits
I started to do the things I was taught when first arriving
at the doors of recovery, complacency has no place in my life, I am to busy
trying to do what God intended me to do when He gave me this
gift of sobriety, He told me then I need to give it back if
I want to keep it
I experience my feelings today I know feelings are feelings,
not right nor wrong, they just are they,
they lose their power when I allow myself to feel feelings,
spiritual and emotional balance is in my life because spirituality is woven
into the fabric of my life
Feeling good spiritually carries over into all areas of my
life, I get spiritually balanced from many
places mostly from the God I found in the halls of AA, I am
attuned to God He have forgiven me I had to forgive myself for the awful things
I did
Until I could forgive myself I could not learn from my
mistakes, I forgive myself by praying, doing a
journal, making amends, asking God for help to be a better
person, how I am feel about myself is how I try to feel about others
Today I am listening to God and I try to give back the love
and hope that I received when got here
Gods grace was freely given to me thru the people who were
in the halls when I got here, I now
understand its my turn to give back the things I had so freely
taken from others before me
God sure doe’s works thru people in my life, I hope He works for you in your life
God bless you Al M
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suggestions or comments
