Daily
Reflections reading November 18th
A Safety Net
Occasionally.
. . We are seized with a rebellion so sickening that we simply won’t pray. When
these things happen we should not think too ill of ourselves. We should simply
resume prayer as soon as we can, doing what we know to be good for us. TWELVE
STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 105
Sometimes
I scream, stomp my feet, and turn my back on my Higher Power. Then my disease
tells me that I am a failure, and that if I stay angry I’ll surely get drunk.
In those moments of self-will it’s as if I’ve slipped over a cliff and am
hanging by one hand. The above passage is my safety net, in that it urges me to
try some new behavior, such as being kind and patient with myself. It assures
me that my Higher Power will wait until I am willing once again to risk letting
go, to land in the net, and to pray.
© Alcoholics Anonymous World Services
My
thoughts on November 18th Reading
The use of the word God sure went against my grain, I would
rebel every time I heard God in a meeting, the concept of getting well using God
as I understood Him before I got here almost stopped me from coming back
The only God I knew of was this fearful condemning God who
hated me and condemned me to hell, because of this at first I had a real hard
time with changing my way of living, I did not want God or His condemning
judging ways in my life anymore
Only thing that brought me back to another meeting is the
fear of killing myself, I was hopelessly lost in alcoholism, I had to become
willing to open my mind to different concepts of just what God or in my care a
power greater then myself really meant
So I needed to change the me who I came into the halls that
little boy with-in needed to get out
The first thing I really had to do was to find myself and
that is not an easy thing to do when you have been living in lies and tell
everyone else lies most of your life
Being Ego driven most of my life I thought I had very high
esteem of myself but the truth was I used that Ego to make me much more
important than I could ever have been inflating my EGO to the point I had to
lie and used these lies as my own truths not respecting anyone
I found out that nobody had any respect or trust for me and
that my word was a bunch of crap AA has taught me that if I want people to
respect me I need to become respectable if I want people to trust me I have to
become trustworthy become honest with people
Also needed to be absolutely honest with myself finding out
what lies I told and how I had to change the way I tried to live in those lies
and make others believe them when I first started to tell the truth I thought
the world would come to an end
Fear of the truth was the most horrible thing I ever faced
in my life at that point and of course this did turned out to be a false fear
of letting others know the real ME who I am today is a man who has been
accepted in this fellowship with all my defects
God my sponsor and people like you showed me how to turn
defects into assets who I am today with there help is a man of honor and
dignity with respect of all in my life I have learned to be true to myself as
well as those around me thanks for given me a Loving forgiven God
Thank God I have been given the ability to be fair-minded
and tolerant as my sobriety progressed but some days being human I can snap and
judge someone in a tirade that they do not deserve As the book says nothing
pays off like restraint of tongue and pen
I know I had to avoid quick-tempered criticism and furious
argument and yes some times I will sulk or silently get very irritable and
discontent mostly when it is dealing with family knowing they are heading down
a road to destruction
Those days are real emotional booby traps I bring upon
myself by my pride and vengefulness my need to be right at any cost some times being
right is really not all that important I had to learn I do not have to go to
every argument I was invited to
Being sober finding some self-esteem I had to be real
vigilant to not become the big-shot I used to think I was I had to remember
that I was sober today only by the grace of God and He is the one guiding my
life today
Today I can truthfully say that I do love everybody this
does not mean that I will accept unacceptable behavior for anyone and it does
not mean that I like everyone but I must love you all so I stay right sized
myself
I needed this in order to keep myself balanced anytime I say
I hate someone this turns into an instant resentment, to fear, or hate, this
does not happen over night time it takes time I can stop trying to rebel against
God my sponsor and the fellowship now
Today I try not to make unreasonable demands upon anyone I
try to show kindness to all
Even the ones who are trying their best to be argumentative
after all this is exactly the way I was when I came into the halls of AA
I had to surrender to a loving forgiven God to find myself
God bless you Al M
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