Daily Reflections reading October 6th
Facing Ourselves
And
Fear says, “You dare not look!” TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 49
How
often I avoided a task in my drinking days, just because it appeared so large! Is
it any wonder even if I have been sober for some time, that I will act that
same way when faced with what appears to be a monumental job, such as a
searching and fearless moral inventory of myself? What I discover after I have
arrived at the other side–when my inventory is completed–is that the illusion
was greater than the reality. The fear of facing myself kept me at a standstill
and, until I became willing to put pencil to paper, I was arresting my growth
based on an intangible.
© Alcoholics Anonymous World Services
My thoughts on October 6th
Reading
If I didn’t care about society or myself
I would not be able to face myself, so my emotions for my relationship with my
wife Sandy and others in my life, along with material and emotional security,
are perfectly necessary and right and surely are God-given if used rightly
I know my instincts often far exceed
their proper functions, every serious emotional problem I had can be seen as a
case of my own misdirected instinct turned into physical and mental
liabilities, I needed to find where my natural desires have warped me
By discovering my emotional deformities I
can start to move toward correcting them, without a searching and fearless
moral inventory, I quickly found that the faith that works in daily living is
still out of reach for me, still needed the humility to trust in your God of AA
Fear kept me depending completely upon my
problems, with my own resources I never grew up, in time everyone ran from me
because, I was a power-mad man who attempting to rule with an iron fist this did
throw away every chance I had for a real happy life with family and friends
I
drank to drown feelings of fear, frustration, and depression, this sickness was
not pleasant to look at, I was swamped with guilt, self-loathing, anger, fear,
and despair nothing but death-looked possible for a solution to my problems at
that time
My troubles I thought were caused by the
behavior of other not me people who really need a moral inventory, if only
they'd treat me better, my indignation was justified and my resentments are the
right kind to keep me in my misery
As a newcomer I did have some assets but
not many, my liabilities out weight them, they did form a little balance when I
fearlessly look at my defects, self-justification was my excuse for everything,
It never occurred to me I needed to change myself to meet my problems whatever
they were
I slowly learned that something had to be
done about my resentments, self-pity, and pride, I had to see when I had
grudges how I was always planning on getting even, I was really beating myself
with a club not the people I resented, most of the time they never knew I was
resentful towards them
I had to stop blaming others I needed to
look at my part in the damage caused by my drinking, when making my inventory I
needed to find out what my character defects were, the Seven Deadly Sins of
pride, greed, lust, anger, gluttony, envy, and sloth, for me false pride did
lead to self-justification
All my feelings were from fear that made
more character defects, unreasonable fear that my instincts will not be
satisfied, my instincts were threatened by my fear, both my pride and my fear
beat me back every time, Pride says “You need not pass this way” “ and Fear
says You dare not look”
My character defects did represent
instincts gone wild, this was my primary cause of drinking, but now I am
willing to work hard at eliminating the worst of my defects, my faulty
foundation of life will be torn out and built on a new foundation of solid
bedrock
Step Four is the beginning of a lifetime
practice, I had to look at where my selfish pursuit, of finance, romance, and
self-importance, damage other people and myself, who had I hurt and how badly
did I spoil my marriage and injure my children with my selfish ways when
drinking
Had to look at how I reacted to these
situations, at the time I had guilt, remorse, and shame, but I still insist at
times I was the pursued and not the pursuer, I took out my self-righteous anger
on other people, places, and thing
Problems with my emotional insecurity,
were anger, self-pity, resentments, and finally depression, I had to look at my
relationships that caused me trouble in any area where my instincts were
threatened looking at both past and present situations
What had caused me anxiety, frustration,
or depression, from my twisted relations with family friends and society at
large, I have been ignorant and stubborn about them, my egomania made me try to
dominate my friends and family
I did lean heavily on people they fail
me, they are human and could not possibly meet my demand when I try to
manipulate others to my own willful desires they revolt and resist, then my
feeling were hurt, this self-centered behavior blocked relationships with any
one around me
Of true brotherhood I had small
comprehension it was wise to write out my questions it aided to clear thinking
and honest appraisal of myself it was the first tangible evidence of my
complete willingness to move forward with humility to find the God of my
understanding
I made the decision in step three
the actions have just begun
God Bless you Al M
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