Daily
Reflections reading October 20th
Solace For Confusion
Obviously,
the dilemma of the wanderer from faith is that of profound confusion. He thinks
himself lost to the comfort of any conviction at all. He cannot attain in even
a small degree the assurance of the believer, the agnostic, or the atheist. He
is the bewildered one. TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 28
The
concept of God was one that I struggled with during my early years of sobriety.
The images that came to me, conjured from my past, were heavy with fear,
rejection and condemnation. Then I heard my friend Ed’s image of a Higher
Power: As a boy he had been allowed a litter of puppies, provided that he
assume responsibility for their care. Each morning he would find the
unavoidable “byproducts” of the puppies on the kitchen floor. Despite
frustration, Ed said he couldn’t get angry because “that’s the nature of
puppies.” Ed felt that God viewed our defects and shortcomings with a similar
understanding and warmth. I’ve often found solace from my personal confusion in
Ed’s calming concept of God.
© Alcoholics Anonymous World Services
My
thoughts on October 18th Reading
Now I did not find God, as I understand
Him until I had reached step three in my recovery, I just did not believe God
would ever forgive me for all the crap I had done in my drunken life guess I
would say at this time in recovery I as an agnostic
I knew there was a God of some kind but
the one of my family’s religion was the fire and brimstone one who was all
judging and all condemning, I just did not need Him in my life, what was He
going to do that I could not do myself
I realized that life with or without
drinking for me was impossible, nothing worked for me, my jobs my wife, my
family, even when I laid off the booze, nothing worked out, I just felt
hopelessly lost so what does a lost alkie do well drink and drink till the
feelings are drowned out
All this time lost just because I
couldn’t see I am the problem, I would have killed myself if I didn’t change I
came to close to that when I tried to run my car into a big tree, thank God I
did stop in time, just put a dent in the bumper and sat and cried
When I surrendered to alcoholism I found
hope that I could change my ways I found that life would get better, my
drinking had been the easy way out, surrender was the harder way, but surrender
gave me freedom happiness and a new way of life
Being convinced by what I had done I was
powerless over alcohol, my life was unmanageable, I had been reduced to a state
of absolute helplessness, I needed to look at step two, but step two tells me
none but a power greater then myself can remove my obsession
Now what does an agnostic do, at first
won't believe in a power greater than myself, I was all powerful myself, I said
I wouldn’t believe I was the belligerent one, I sure was in a state of mind
which can be described only as savage, my whole concept of life was being
challenged
Not much solace in how I was feeling at
the time, lots of confusion my life was at a complete stop I did not know where
to turn It was bad enough to admit alcoholism had me down
Completely powerless still smarting from
admitting this, must I give up control just to save myself that was the end of
my old life, but the very beginning of finding this new life, The program did
not demand I believe in anything, all Twelve Steps are but suggestions
I found a new way of life I never dreamed
possible in my old way of living, I just knew the old way would get me jailed,
or put in an institution, or trying to kill myself again not much choice there
except to start believing in some power greater than myself
I came to believe in a power greater than
myself, AA became my higher power, a very large group of people who have solved
their alcohol problem and seem to have gained there sanity they certainly were
a power greater than myself who had a solution
I started to have faith in them, this
little faith was enough to keep me grounded to the program I had to admit that an
AA group showed me results, I saw that my attitude regarding recovery had been
anything but sane thinking, It was not AA that had the closed mind to change it
was me
By their example the group showed my
humility and intellect could be compatible, provided I placed honesty, faith in
this power, and humility, first and foremost in my life I began to do this, I
received the true gift of faith
The fallacy of my defiance was shown, at
no time had I asked what this higher power, this group of drunks was doing for
me Instead I had been telling them what it ought to be for me, I was different
I could not have this faith and defy the teachings of this group
Belief meant reliance, not defiance, of
this wonderful group I was using for my higher power, I did rely on this group
to much, I had to accept the groups higher power was more powerful, step two is
the rallying point for all of us
Whether agnostic atheist or former
believer, still not sure if I was agnostic or just a former believer but it
matters little today, true humility and an open mind lead me to a faith that
really works in my life today, every meeting was an assurance
Some sort of power greater than myself
would restore me to sanity, if I rightly relate myself to this higher power, I
to finally accepted this God of their understanding, to be who I wanted my
higher power to be I now have solace from confusion, not for confusion
God bless you Al M
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suggestions or comments
