MY FIRST RELATIONSHIP IN A A

      When I came to Alcoholics Anonymous I was more willing to die, than to live. You wonderful people looked happy and talked freely about your disease. You talked about a God of your understanding, but I didn't want to here about Him. You said that's okay because most of us didn't want to believe when we got here, but we did keep coming, then we came too from our drunken fog, finally we came to believe. Well I didn't, for a minute believe you, I began to wonder what did I get myself into this time, I knew even before I read step one I couldn't drink in safety again, I also knew at that point in my life there wasn't anything left to manage. No one wanted me around or near them, nor did they really care what happens to me, at this point my life as I new it was over.

      Step two was a little harder to take until you said, why don't you use the group as a power greater than yourself. After all a group is certainly more powerful than just one desperate, lonely person next you said to stay sober just don't drink, go to meetings, ask for help, get a sponsor, bla-bla-bla.

      Now came step three, the big whammy, that God thing, I had only heard of that fearful condemning God of my past which I could never have anything to do with.

      Up to this point I liked what I was hearing and wanted to do what you suggested, but doubt started to set in, I began to wonder about the wisdom of the group, you see at this point in my recovery I knew I needed more than the group to stay sober.

      There was a man in this fellowship I was getting to know, I could feel His love at every meeting, I began to think about him all the time. Even when I was alone I would think about him. I learned this man could give me everything I needed to make my life happy, whole and useful. Well I guess you know I wanted him to love me, hold me, and comfort me, in my disparate time of need. This man had the unconditional love you people kept talking about, I finally got up the nerve to ask, if He would share his love and understanding with me.

      My relationship with this man started about three months into my recovery, when I was in emotional pain, He comforted me, when my pain was to great to, bare He gave me love and understanding, He could wipe away my tears, I knew this man would never stop loving me even when I could not love myself, even when I felt so undeserving and totally worthless, hating myself and every thing I was, even when I wanted to die. This man gave me hope to trust in someone, I needed His love and understanding. He showed me how to love myself, He helped me to accept the things I needed to change in my life and He showed me how I needed an attitude of gratitude.

      Well I guess I finally came to believe step three wasn't so bad after all. the man I learned to love so much, was a power greater than any I have ever known, this man was my Heavenly Father, yes the very God you people kept telling me about, because of your help and guidance I could now with total honesty and humility ask Him to remove the disease, or demons, or what ever was causing my pain and suffering, I asked please remove these things from my life, I want to suffer no more, please remove this disease from my mind, body, and soul, please give me your love, help, and forgiveness.

      The absolute unconditional love and forgiveness He gave me, has lead me thru the torment of my past, comforting me when it was to great to bare, I felt His presents when He came and picked me up, and cradled me in His arms until I felt total peace and serenity, His love put me into a very deep sleep, for over thirty six hours, I awoke to the same peace and serenity, with a calmness about me that was overwhelming, a feeling I have never in my life experienced before, His love flowed like a river into me, I believe I was given a new life the little boy with-in me became a man that day.

      I know God's unconditional love, will flow thru me, into the lives of those he puts into the path of my life, so I may carry the message of recovery. Today I can get down on my knees in the morning and ask Him to help me become a channel for love, peace, and forgiveness, to always keep me humble before Him always remembering I'm seeking His Kingdom, Power, and glory for myself and all the people He has put into my path.

      I ask His help in guiding these, people to walk thru there pain and suffering with Him at their side, every night I can honestly thank Him for what He has given me, for what He has taken away, and for what He has left me.

      Only by given unconditional love and acceptance to those He guides to our doors, can we be of any help, we must be there with our hands out to welcome them, I know each of us has a choice every day as to how we will walk, that choice dictates the life style we'll live that day. Each time a person chooses to walk back into the darkness of their past, alone in the clutches of there disease, they will feel more pain and despair, but if they have been around our fellowship, and felt the power of our love they will return, hopefully with more honesty and despair than ever before with a willingness to surrender and accept their disease.

      They will need our unconditional love and our acceptance of them again. We must be there to give them our support, to welcome them home. We must show them we will not criticize, judge, or condemn them, but that we need them, we must love and care about them until they can learn how to love and care about themselves and seek Gods help with more honesty and willingness than ever before.

      Always remember unconditional love and acceptance is the secret of God's gift of life to us all. He gave us love thru all those who came before us, we must give His love to those who still suffer from our disease. When they walk thru our doors, always remember someone was there for us.

" For that we are responsible"

" May God bless You , as He has me"

written by LT   design by LT                         11-15-97